This night I was in one of the toilets at my workplace and I wondered who did this: the sinks were turned, meaning the taps not at the wall side, they were at the front. I associated on waking up “Where the water was flowing towards me before it is now flowing from me or away from me”. Influence? I was influenced at the workplace? The influence flows away from me?
The physical sensations during meditations become more intense. Yesterday I felt the tingling not only in my hands and feet, I felt it in my lower arms too and very special, I felt the pulse of my heart in the tip of my left middle finger.
This morning the tingling crawled up my legs and in a rush like a wave (not lasting) over my hips.
Am I slowly reviving my body, coming back into my body?
From puberty until not long ago I had a split relation to my body. On the one hand very thankful for its resilience and health on the other hand there was this life long fight against overweight since puberty. Before puberty, I did not need to care about my eating and everything was fine. With puberty, I felt my body like an autonomous entity, not respecting what I want, simply ignoring me. Ignoring that I did not want to gain weight, ignoring that I did not want big breasts. I did not feel female, not masculine either more like a mix. I also did not want to become the typical female, I found many girls at the same age and older strange. I could not identify myself to belong to them. I preferred to be among boys to be seen as one of them and this changed too with puberty. Seen as one of them in their interests which I shared, more adventurous for example or not caring about getting dirty. No interest in being neat or pretty or pleasing. It was as if my body wanted to tell me “No, you are not one of them, look at you!” Somehow thrown into being neither gender from my perspective.
This perception of myself continued into relationships. I did not and still don’t care about gender. At least in sexual orientation there was category for “neither”: bisexual. What I also remember now is that around puberty a lot of questioning started. “Things which mattered to others did not matter to me”. I did not talk about it because I did not want to be seen with this “Something must be wrong with you” attitude.
Yes, I like to be with myself, I always felt that I’m not born for relationships, that I cannot compromise enough. I tried though. I’m happy with being with myself and knowing a few people who I call friends.
I enjoy being connected. I enjoy regarding my body, my human existence as part of my soul. Soul is home, it is the energy where shapes, forms, categories don’t matter.
The Wonder Called Me 