With gratitude I will say goodbye to the internet as a tool for suppression and distraction. With gratitude? What is good about suppression?
There can be situations in life which can be hard to bear from day to day.
A few years back I was facing homelessness. A complicated wrist fracture which did not heal as quickly as “normal” led to losing my job. As a European in the UK you are entitled to receive benefits for 90 days – be it Jobseeker’s Allowance or help when you can’t work for health reasons. It is called Employment Support Allowance. After these 90 days you receive nothing, 0, zero. And you are also not entitled to apply for social housing.
This shall be enough about this time because I can’t compare myself to homeless people which are less lucky than I am. Friends and neighbours helped me to survive and to avoid sleeping rough. Don’t look down on homeless people. You don’t know their history. A friendly “Hello”, a little chat can go a long way for those who are preferably forgotten and disregarded in our societies. And … you can be closer to them from one day to the next than you think.
Back to Computer and Internet
In darkest moods I preferred to use the computer, play silly games, watch documentaries or “my” German crime series. Whatever came to my mind in these regards was better than looking at my situation and running into headache for non-stop thinking without finding any solutions.
It became a habit. Not only can I bear stillness again. Over many years I changed without noticing it, not only because of difficult situations. For a part I have been too busy. And don’t ask me now if I love myself. What shall I love myself for? It is more like, somehow I can accept myself. I committed no crimes, I never willingly or on purpose harmed other people, my son is doing well … things like that.
It feels like this door to love opened not long ago with the interest about the unknown me. A part of me had been forgotten and neglected by myself.
Forward to stillness and contemplation
Yes, I enjoy my tarot card, to meditate on it, to figure what it (my subconsciousness) might want to tell me. Today it was The Moon reversed. I did not meditate yet because I also want to write at least one article per day. I enjoy dreaming again. Who knows what else might follow?
I often started blogs in the past but then censored myself or deleted the blog. There was something like, what do you have to tell what not everybody else has to tell?
Does it matter?
I want to see the trees of the forest! It does not need more.
The Wonder Called Me 